SNAP SHOT
Instant Messaging WHILE in the Workplace
Episode 6: KUZIN BROWNIE
Uncensored. NOW SOMEWHAT Unscripted. And unsolicited. Just when you think nothing will come out when you engage a conversation inside the realm of cyberspace, TADAH! You can see what you typed in this page!
Cheap plug: My YM is stacey_the_evil_chipmunk (if you want your thoughts to be hacked).
| The subject: |
| KUZIN MAKARIO: The typical hot-headed, Batangueno-twanged womanizer that will stop at nothing just to get laid. He blames society because there are too many women wearing skirts. |
| On pic: Hindi yan yung kausap pero siya yung nag-coin ng Brownie. Andy, kailangan namin ng starter... |
| The situation: |
| Browsing for porn, he found me online. Where he is surfing is a mystery since he doesn’t own a PC. The owners fear for their sticky keyboard… Read on. |
THE CONVERSATION:
Kuzin Mac: Brownie! Kamusta na??
Writer’s Note: Brownie collectively means cousin or ‘Insan in our terms. Actually, this was started by Ed and Andy, two of my cousins living in Florida. They like to insist that they like to “Brown” women. I dunno what that means but it gave us a crappy nickname.
Are we that drunk then?
The Sydman: Eto pa rin… may problema sa atay. Bawal inom, bawal taba, bawal matamis... Teka, ano ba gusto mo, yung good news o bad? Nasaan ka ba ngayon?
Thinking, Mac could be in some girl’s place, left alone as she tends to other things while he searches for pornography in the internet.
Kuzin Mac: (scratching self) ‘Di na-importante yon. Pinagkakalat ng nanay mo… mag-a-asawa ka na daw?
The Sydman: Hehe. Asa siya. Wala akong pera. Mahirap buhay ngayon.
(then thinks) ASA! Ewan ko pero trip ni Ermats magkalat ng mga balita e. Hanap muna ako syota bago mangyari yon.
Kuzin Mac: Ows? Marami ka daw babae ngayon a. Wala ka na ba syota ngayon?
The Sydman: (scratches head) Maraming babae sa mundo ngayon pero alaws ako. Ikaw diyan, mamigay ka nga! Okay lang kahit laspag mo na!
(thinks) Teka... ‘di na pala. Sobrang bastos ka e!
Case in point: Whenever I’m in Tanauan we always escape to Calamba for some random hookup in their version of Tomas Morato. Being a Manilenyo and him being a self-professed clit hunter, we usually score off the chicks. But damn, I hate it when they talk dirty because they seriously lash out a pretty awkward palengkera-like vocal chord!
Plus, most of these girls kinda look skanky and ugly once the alcohol wears off…
Mac however… he’s not picky…
Anyway…
Kuzin Mac: Hehe. So, good boy ka pala ngayon?
The Sydman: Mas good boy kesa sayo. Hehe.
Kuzin Mac: (happy) Dadale ako mamaya! Hehe, matagal na akong tigang e. May isang linggo na.
Mac then ALT-TABS to a porn window.
The Sydman: (shocked) Isang linggo????
(looks at pants, disgusted) langya talaga!
Writer’s note: Thinking aloud, I was either thinking that I heard a cry for help or a boastful declaration that yes, he is getting any.
Fucking bastard…
Kuzin Mac: Gamot din yun para matanggal UTI ko.
The Sydman: O sige gamot. Pero pagkatapos magkakaroon ka ng VD? O kaya Gonorrhea ekek?
Kuzin Mac: (pissed) Bakit nagkaroon ka na ba non?
The Sydman: (sarcastic) Haha. Palabiro ka pala... ULOL.
Kuzin Mac: Kelan ka ba uuwi dito?
Writer’s note: It has been months since I last saw Tanauan. Actually, I have six nieces and nephews that fear me. Who ever knew that acting like a zombie and hitting their mothers and fathers in the back of their head would make them hate you for their whole baby stage? I’m not that keen on handling kids so instead of tending them, I go straight to a table full of beer-bellied men drinking Fundador in the middle of the afternoon.
It could have triggered my liver problem.
Anyway…
The Sydman: Ewan... basta uuwi ako kapag walang trabaho ‘pag Sabado.
Writer’s note: Saturday is also DOTA night. The only reason…
Kuzin Mac: So kelan tayo mambababae, ha?
The Sydman: Ikaw! Diyan ka naman magaling e. Basta sasabit na lang ako tapos wala akong gagastusin. Pero sigurado malabo ako this month.
Kuzin Mac: Ows?? Baka iba na ang trip mo pinsan!
The Sydman: (nonchalant) Teka lang... iisipin ko...
(loud scream) GAGGOOOOOOOO KAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Ano ba Brownie, tinatabla mo ako?!?! Where is the love, Insan?!?!
Kuzin Mac: Binibiro ka lang gago. Wala na rin akong babae ngayon eh. Naubos… dalawa na lang e.
The Sydman: Dalawa na lang?!?
Writer’s note: Fucking bastard…
The Sydman: (raised eyebrows) Tag-tuyot ka ngayon a.
(sarcastic laugh) Hehe!
I was wiping a tears coming off my eye…
Kuzin Mac: Gusto mo e bigay ko na sayo ang mga babae ko. Wala ka namang dinadali ngayon e.
The Sydman: (unsure) Ahh… thank you na lang pinsan pero sobrang bastos ka nga.
Kuzin Mac: Nasa Maynila ka na naman. Sobrang bano mo ba’t wala kang makita diyan?
The Sydman: Kilala mo ako pinsan. Mataas standards ng mga babae dito. Hindi ako papasa. Dito, required kang manligaw tapos dapat may kotse ka. Hindi pa pumapayag sa KKB! Ako ba yung tipong sanay sa ganon?? ‘Di tulad diyan, magkamot lang ako ng pwet, may lalapit ng chick.
Kuzin Mac: Doon ka natalo. Kuripot ka eh.
The Sydman: Di ako kuripot, sigurista lang!
Kuzin Mac: Hah, alam mo pinsan, malalaman mo naman sa babae kung bibigay agad. Saka ka NA LANG pumili ng pwedeng banatan!! Basta hanap kita ‘pag umuwi ka dito!
The Sydman: Sige Insan, pa-unlakan mo ako.
Kuzin Mac: Alam mo, matanda na tayo. Kailangan na natin magpasaya sa buhay. Try kita ihanap para naman may mapaglibangan ka.
The Sydman: Basta hindi mo pa nagalaw, malinis yan. Atsaka yung hindi ako magkaka-problema… alam mo naming allergic ako sa responsibility e.
Kuzin Mac: Uwi ka Batangas at doon tayo mag-usap. Sign out na ako.
TO BE CONTINUED.
